Promise
by SSEE729
Summary: Sam and Jerry make a promise. If anything is to ever happen to one of them, the other will be there for the one they love. Jerry promises to always be there for Andy, to help her with anything she may ever need, comfort her, and look out for her. Sam assures Jerry he'd do the same for Traci. And, when something happens to Sam Jerry will do everything he can not to break his promise
1. Promise Me

_**Hey guys, I thought of this idea while trying to think of what to write for my other fanfics. Please, let me know what you think. And, I am going to try to finish my other fanfics before starting any new ones, after this one. **_

_**I really like the idea of the friendship between Jerry and Andy. I know that it isn't played out in the show that much, but I feel like they would be pretty good friends, especially since they are each dating the other's best friend. So, I decided to write a fanfic about it. This will follow Jerry and Andy through some pretty tough times, and will show how they are there for each other. **_

His heart was beating ridiculously fast. Sweat was dripping down his face, drenching the palms of his hands, and soaking his once blue undershirt. The thoughts in his mind were racing overwhelmingly fast, too fast to concentrate, but just long enough so that he couldn't forget – no matter how hard he tried. The blood covered his hands, his lower arms, and his chest. Coating him in a painful stain – one that he knew extended beyond just his skin and his clothes. And, one that he knew he would never be able to completely get rid of.

Breathing in a heavy, ragged breath, Jerry ran his hands through Sam's hair, holding his friend's head steady, and trying with everything he had within himself, not to show how incredibly scared he was. He looked into Sam's slowly closing, tired eyes, and forced what could be barely considered a smile. But, he knew that Sam would know what he was trying to do. He always did.

Sam looked back intently. Jerry could tell he was barely conscious, but he also knew that Sam would try to stay awake as long as he possibly could. Jerry managed to break eye contact with him for a split second, as he surveyed Sam's chest and stomach, blood oozing from several gunshot and stab wounds. Jerry repositioned his hands to apply pressure to as much of Sam's body as he could, and he leaned down so that his chest was against Sam's. He was holding him close to him, and he didn't want to let him go.

He could have been thinking about a million things at that moment. What had happened leading up to this point? What had caused this to happen? What had gone wrong? What can I do? What could have happened? Where was I? Why was he alone? Is Sam going to be alright? Is Sam going to be okay?

But, with a look that Jerry and Sam shared, the kind of look that can only be given and understood between best friends, Jerry was only thinking of one thing. And, it was exactly what Sam wanted him to be thinking of. It was the promise.

Jerry nodded quickly, assuring Sam that he understood. And, as he looked into Sam's desperate eyes, Jerry thought back to several months ago.

_It had been at least eight months ago, maybe longer. Jerry had been sitting at his desk after a long shift, trying to complete some paper work. But, after a few hours, and barely any work completed, he had decided that he needed to just leave, go home, and do it on Monday instead. He would hate himself when he came into work on Monday to a stack of papers, but right then all he cared about was having a few drinks at the Penny, maybe getting in a game of poker with Oliver and Sam, and going home with Traci. _

_Jerry had packed up his stuff and looked around the office for Sam. After a quick search of the locker room, he thought that maybe Sam had already left, and he decided to make his way to the Penny. When he walked outside, he was startled quickly by someone seemingly sitting in the shadows, and after a few seconds, he knew it was Sam. His laugh gave him away. _

_Jerry had jumped quickly, before turning to face his friend. "Having fun in the shadows?" Jerry had asked as he walked toward him. Sam was sitting on the front of his truck. Of course. _

"_A little bit" Sam said. "Watching your face was pretty funny" _

_Jerry had laughed. "You heading to the Penny? I thought you were already gone. I checked the locker room but didn't see you. What are you doing out here?" _

_Sam had nodded. "Yea, I'm going. I'm leaving soon." There was something in his voice, some tone, that gave away his intentions. Jerry knew something was up. Anyone else may have missed it. But, Jerry and Sam had been friends for a while. Sam avoided Jerry's eyes, and instead looked at the pavement. Sam shrugged. By the look on Jerry's face, Sam knew that his friend was instructing him to go on. _

"_I, ugh, was waiting for you actually. I want to talk to you about something." Sam said, running his hands over his face before folding them across his chest. His giveaway. _

"_Okay" Jerry said curiously. "What is it? Is everything alright?" There was a tone of concern and worry in Jerry's voice. Jerry knew that Sam barely opened up to people. But when he did, he did. And, he only opened up to a few people. And, Jerry thought himself lucky to be included in those selective few._

"_Yea, yea, everything's fine" Sam said. He was still looking at the ground adamantly. He looked at Jerry quickly, smiled nervously, and then looked away. _

"_Alright," Jerry said, "then what's going on man?"_

"_I've been doing a lot of thinking lately," Sam said. "And, I ugh, I want, to make sure of some stuff. I McNally and I have been, well, whatever we've been, for a while now. And, I care about her a lot. A lot. I know you understand that."_

"_Of course" Jerry said. _

"_And, that's why, if anything happens to me-" Sam put his hands up quickly in a 'stop' gesture. He didn't want Jerry in interject, saying things about how he was going to be okay, and nothing was going to happen to him. He just needed to make sure. "Please, just, let me finish,"_

_Jerry, who had been about to interject, nodded. He couldn't help but smile a little as well. Sam really did know him well._

"_If anything happens to me, I want to make sure she's taken care of. I want someone to look out for her, help her. I just, I get worried sometimes. I just want to make sure she'd have people to look out for her, to protect her, you know? And, I know she's too proud to ever ask for help." Sam said. He brought his eyes up slowly to meet Jerry's. And, Jerry could hear a different tone in his voice now. The tone that he always knew was there, even when everyone else doubted him. The side of Sam that others couldn't see, and the side he often refused to show them. But, Jerry knew it was there. He'd defend that. It was the side of Sam that was sincere, honest, grateful, appreciative, and sympathetic._

_Jerry nodded. He understood. "Too proud, huh? Kinda like someone else I know" Jerry said with a smile. Sam smirked. "But, I understand. You don't need to worry, man. Really, you don't. I'll be there, I'm telling you, I would look out for her. I'd make sure I would do everything I possibly could for her. We all would. She's important to all of us. We're family, Sam. You know that. But, don't think like that. Nothing's going to happen to you."_

_Sam shrugged. He bit his lip tightly. "But if it does, can you just promise me that you'll be the one to, well, tell her?"_

_Jerry nodded once slowly. He felt a certain tight pull at his heart and a sinking sensation overwhelm him, accompanied by a certain tightness in his throat, but he still nodded. "Of course. I promise. I'll be there. I'll help her. I'll take care of her."_

"_I know you will" Sam said. "It's just, if anything ever did happen to me, I'd want her to hear it from you. Someone I really care about. Someone she knows and cares about as well. I don't know why I've been thinking about it, I just have been. I guess, I don't know, things are really getting serious. And, I want to make sure, before, you know, anything happened."_

_Jerry nodded. He sighed slowly. "I completely understand. And, will you make the same promise for me? Anything ever happens to me, will you be the one to tell Traci?"_

_Sam nodded without a hint of hesitation. "Absolutely"_

"_Good" Jerry said with a smile as he patted Sam on the back. "Now that we have that taken care of"_

"_Just one more thing, Jer" Sam said. He looked at the ground again. "If, ugh, McNally and I ever have kids some day-"_

"_Is she-" Jerry interrupted quickly._

"_No, no" Sam said. "No, but if we ever do have kids someday, you promise me you'll be there if something goes wrong?"_

"_Sammy, man" Jerry said. "I'll be there from day one. Like it or not, I'm Uncle Jerry. Those kids will love me, maybe even more than they love you. I'd be on the lookout."_

_Sam smiled. "I wouldn't have it any other way"_

"_Alright then" Jerry smiled. It was different to say the least, to hear Sam talking about having kids and getting into a serious relationship. But, after all, it was McNally they were talking about. She really did bring out the best in him. _

"_So, you're heading to the Penny?" Sam asked as he slid off the hood of his truck and walked toward the driver's door._

_Jerry nodded. Sam gestured to his truck. "I'll drive"_

"_Sounds good" Jerry said, as he climbed in._

Jerry refocused on the current time, on the current situation. He was brought out of his flashback with the noise of Sam's rattling breath. Suddenly, Jerry wished they could go back. He wished everything was alright, that they were getting ready to go to the Penny, talking about their girlfriends. Not this. Not sitting on the decrepit floor of some dilapidated old building, holding Sam's body against his tightly, trying desperately to stop the bleeding. He had wished mere hours ago just to know. He just couldn't deal with not knowing anymore. Having Sam out there, not knowing where he was, or whether or not he was okay. Now, he wasn't so sure. Would he rather not know if his best friend was okay, tormented by the ideas of what could have possibly happened, or would he rather sit there, holding his friend close to him, covered in blood, listening to his ragged breaths that just might be his last. He didn't know.

_They had lost the feed on Sam's surveillance. They had all rushed to Sam's undercover apartment, but it had been too late. Sam was missing. He wasn't there. Jerry had felt that pit in his stomach, his heart was aching. He remembered what Sam had told him. What Sam has __**asked **__him to do. 'If anything goes wrong, will you be the one to tell McNally?'_

_Jerry had run his hands through his hair, he took a deep breath, and kicked a chair. He wasn't good at this part. He never had been. Once his friends were in danger, he lost it. He couldn't control it. He had to do something, anything. But, he didn't know where to start. He still felt like he was going to throw up. His best friend was missing. His best friend, Sam, was missing. He didn't know what he was supposed to do with that. But, he did know he thought he was going to be sick. He hadn't felt like this ever before in his life, not that he could remember. But, he needed to keep it together in order to find him. And, he had to find him. _

_But, he remembered again what Sam had said. It was playing over and over again in his head. 'Will you be the one to tell McNally? Will you be the one to tell McNally? Will you be the one to tell McNally?' He figured he'd start there. _

_Jerry immediately pulled out his phone. He speed dialed Andy's number, and listened to the phone ring several times before he heard her voice mail. He sighed. _

_He didn't want to tell her through a voice mail. No, he couldn't do that. But, he needed her to call him. So, he started a brief, not too detailed message. He wasn't sure what to say. But he figured he'd just wing it. _

"_Andy, it's Jerry. I, ugh, need you to call me back as soon as you get this. Something's happened, and I really need, I ugh, I really, I, can you just call me as soon as you get this?"_

_That's when Andy walked into the apartment, pushing past the other officers, and calling for Sam hysterically. He turned and faced her and she ran over toward him quickly._

"_Jerry, what's going on? Where's Sam?"_

_The fear in her voice had made his stomach sink and his heart throb even more than it already was. He took her by the arm and started to walk toward the door with her. Then, Boyd had started shouting. Jerry had tried to get her out of the room, she didn't need to be hearing whatever it was that he was yelling. But, she fought against him, and he had to wrap both his arms around her middle as he walked toward the door, pulling and pushing her out of the room with him. _

_All the while, Andy was screaming, "Where's Sam, where is he?"_

_Jerry wanted to scream the same thing. Just let loose, run around, kick some more chairs, throw his hands in the air, and yell at everyone, "Where's Sam?" He felt Andy struggle against him, and then she finally let him take her outside. She clung to him for almost a half an hour. She had cried, and cried, and cried, screamed, and yelled. Jerry had just held her. She cried into his shoulder. But, he forced himself to keep it together. He had to for Sam. He needed to find him. He just had to. He also remembered what Sam had asked him several months back, and he held Andy close to him. _

_It had been a few more minutes before anyone else from the division had shown up, and even then, Andy was reluctant to leave Jerry. She continued to look at him with those sad, devastated eyes, and hold onto him tightly. And, he held onto her. Whether she knew it or not, he needed her just as much as she needed him. _

_But, after a few minutes, Chris was able to convince Andy to go with him, and to let Jerry go figure out what had happened to Sam. Jerry had given her a hug. _

"_I'll find him" Jerry told her. _

_Andy nodded furiously, but started crying harder. "Please, please, Jerry, please" Jerry felt his heart tug at her words and the tension in her voice, so drenched in sadness and desperation. _

_Jerry had helped search for Sam for the next day and a half straight. He refused to sleep more than twenty minutes at a time, and even then, it wasn't intentional. He couldn't. How could he sleep? How could they expect him too? _

_And then, after hours of searching, they had gotten a lead. Some property that Brennan's wife had owned. Jerry didn't need more than the address, and with it, he was the first one to run out to his car and drive off. _

_When they had arrived, Jerry had been the first to enter, along with some other officers. He had cleared the first room, and went through the rest of the house, frantically looking for Sam. He found him after he checked a few rooms, he was being beaten by Brennan on the ground. Jerry quickly made his way over to Brennan, followed by several other officers, and together they ripped him off. The other officers cuffed him as Jerry attended to Sam._

"_Sam , Sam , can you hear me?! It's Jerry!" Jerry had said, yelling at Sam loudly. Jerry half dove and dropped to the ground quickly. He sat next to Sam and surveyed all of his wounds. Jerry noticed the various wounds on Sam's body and the bruises and cuts across his face. _

"_Sam , wake up!" Jerry had said, nervously shouting. His voice was frantic and panicky. He nervously pressed his hand against Sam's neck. He stirred a little, and Jerry could feel a pulse. Then Sam breathed a very deep, raspy breath._

"_Sam!" Jerry yelled in relief. "You're going to be okay, you're going to be okay! It's Jerry! We're going to help you! I'm going to help you!"_

_Sam opened his eyes for a second and looked at Jerry. Sam swallowed hard, and Jerry watched him wince. He knew it was getting harder and harder for him to breathe. _

"_Hey, hey, it's okay, Sam! It's okay!" Jerry said, and he could start to hear the panic that coated his words. It scared him. He just hoped that Sam couldn't hear how nervous he was. Jerry could tell that Sam's breathing was slowing. His breathing was becoming raspier. The paramedics needed to get there soon. _

_Jerry wrenched his eyes away from Sam's for a moment. He looked around the room and saw several other officers huddled around him. Some were standing near Brennan. He didn't know who they were. He didn't bother to concentrate on their faces. "Where are the paramedics?" He shouted to any of them, all of them. _

_Jerry looked back at Sam, saw him straining to keep his eyes open. "Where are the medics?" Jerry asked again. His voice broke. And it was quiet. The emotion was overpowering his voice. He started to breath heavier and he couldn't control it. _

_Jerry looked back at Sam and tried to smile as much as he possibly could. His lip barely moved. He had to struggle to keep at least a small smile. He just didn't want to frown. He didn't want Sam to see how scarred he was, how upset. But, he wasn't exactly sure how good he was doing. But he couldn't cry. Even though the tears were there, welled in his eyes. He couldn't let them fall. He couldn't let Sam see them. _

"_It's okay" Jerry said quickly, his voice growing more strained. There was nothing he could do. Absolutely nothing. His friend was about to die, and there was nothing he could do to prevent it. No matter how many times he applied pressure to his wounds, or how many times he said he was going to be okay. Jerry knew that. And so did Sam. _

And that's when they shared a look.

Jerry knew Sam wasn't in good shape. And, his voice was wavering out of control. But, he continued to apply pressure to Sam's wounds. He had to. And, he held him tightly. "It's okay"

Just then Sam grabbed Jerry's hand. It must have taken as much energy as he possibly had. Sam looked into Jerry's eyes and spoke in only a way that best friends can. Just a look. A long, sad, understanding, informative, grateful, look. A knowing look. No words were even necessary. They starred at each other for a few long seconds. But, those seconds felt like minutes to Jerry. And, with that look, they both understood. They both knew what was being asked, what was conveyed, and they both knew that the other understood as well.

"I promise" Jerry said as strongly as he could. His voice broke again. He grabbed Sam's hand and refused to look away from Sam's face. Sam understood. And, he had known Jerry would as well. Sam tried his best to nod, and he managed a slight one. Then, Sam looked to Jerry. Jerry continued to look into Sam's eyes until he closed them slowly. Jerry felt a tear slide down his face, followed by a few more, and then more. But, he didn't care. Jerry felt the grip on his hand loosen, but he wouldn't untangle his hand from Sam's. Jerry stayed there, pressing Sam against him for another few minutes. He didn't want to get up. He didn't want to leave. He continued to look at Sam's face, and he just looked at him for a few long minutes.

Jerry had no idea how much time had passed or how long he had been pressing Sam against him, when he felt a hand on his shoulder. He didn't need to turn around to know who it was, but he did anyway.

Oliver didn't say anything. And he wasn't planning on it. He wasn't going to give Jerry this big speech, or tell him to get up, or walk away, or to go get cleaned up, or give his statement. He was going to just let him stay there as long as he needed to, as long as he wanted to. He was just letting him know he was there. And, Jerry knew that.

Jerry sat up a little, so that he wasn't pressed against Sam's chest anymore. But, he still didn't move his hand. He continued to look at Sam for a few more minutes, tears flowing down his face. He felt Oliver's grip on his shoulder. He sniffed. More tears ran down his face, but he didn't bother wiping them. He didn't care. He barely even noticed. That wasn't what he was focused on.

Jerry remained sitting there, next to Sam for a few more minutes. He couldn't take his eyes off of him. He wasn't even sure he had blinked. He wasn't thinking about anything, he couldn't. His mind was clearer than it had ever been. He felt stuck. He couldn't move. He couldn't speak. He couldn't do anything. He felt as though he was in a trance, completely unaware of his surroundings. All he was focused on was Sam.

Then he heard someone's voice. He wasn't exactly sure whose it was. He wasn't paying attention to that. But he heard the words. "McNally's here"

Jerry closed his eyes tightly. He recalled the last thing that he had said to Sam. 'I promise'. He nodded slowly, opened his eyes, and slowly placed Sam's hand back on the ground. He looked at Sam for a few more seconds. He remembered back to that night where he stood outside the division talking to Sam. He remembered the sound of Sam's voice. 'Promise me you'll be the one to, well, tell her'. Jerry nodded slowly as he stood up even slower. "I promise, buddy. I promise." He said softly.

Jerry turned and faced Oliver, whose hand was still on his shoulder. He shook his head. "Don't let her come in here. Don't let her see him like this." A few officers standing near them nodded and made their way toward the door.

Jerry took a deep breath. He started to walk toward the door slowly. He needed to tell her. He had to tell her.

Oliver didn't bother with saying 'You don't have to do this. Or, you don't have to be the one to tell her,' because he knew that he did. And, Jerry appreciated that. With a sympathetic nod, Oliver followed Jerry from the room and toward the door.

Jerry walked out of the house and toward the patrol car that McNally was running out of. She ran directly to him, and he walked slowly toward her, meeting her half way. The overwhelming sensation of sadness came over him, pulling on him, sinking him. He tried to take a deep breath but his breath caught in his throat. It was sharp.

Andy reached Jerry, grabbing his arms with hers. "Where is he? Where's Sam?!" Andy yelled, her voice soaked with her desperation. The tears running down her face falling in her mouth. Jerry squeezed her arms tightly, and offered her a sympathetic look.

"Andy" He said, his voice breaking. His tone said it all. He cocked his head, shaking it slowly from side to side, "Andy, he, he didn't make it"

Andy stared at him. She had known the moment he said her name. But this confirmed it. She couldn't accept it. She just couldn't. She yelled out. She screamed. Everything else was silent. Nobody said anything. All that could be heard was Andy's screams, her sobbing. She slammed against Jerry quickly. Trying to get past him.

"Help him! Help him! Hurry! Let me through! Jerry, stop, stop, I need to see him! Help!" Andy screamed. It was a deafening scream, a heart wrenching, stomach dropping, breath catching scream. Listening to it made everything within Jerry ache with sadness, such deep sadness. He thought he was going to fall. He thought he was going to just drop. And he didn't know if he would ever be able to get back up. He wasn't even sure that he wanted to.

Andy continued to struggle against Jerry, trying to make her way by him. He held her tightly, struggling with her, and gripping her tighter. He couldn't let her into that house. He couldn't let her see him like that.

"Jerry! Let me through!" Andy screamed again. She hit Jerry hard against the chest with her fists. She hit him again, and again, and again. "You said you'd find him! You need to help him! Move! Let me through!" Andy screamed, her voice becoming more shrill. The tears falling faster and faster.

Jerry's heart sank. It was harder and harder for him to hold her. He was on the verge of tears again himself, and seeing Andy like this was absolutely crushing. He held her tight and just let her hit him. He could feel it. And, he half liked it. Just because it made him feel something. Anything. He wasn't completely numb, he wasn't in a trance.

Andy continued to punch against Jerry's chest. She hit him with both fists and he wrapped his arms around her. "Andy, Andy" His voice was soft. "Andy, he's gone"

With these words, Andy let her head fall back. She let out an ear piercing yell that cut the silence surrounding them. Everyone looked at her. Of course, they already were. Oliver watched from the porch. Frank stood a few feet behind him. Noelle was next to him. Chris and Dov had arrived in the other car, they watched from the driveway. Gail looked over from her car. Traci had been in the car with Andy. She was a few feet behind her. Nobody said anything. Nobody moved. They all just stood there and listened to her scream. They were all feeling her pain. They all watched, the tears soaking some of their faces. But their eyes said it all. They were apologetic. Understanding. Sympathetic. Sorrowful.

Andy slammed her fists against Jerry's chest one more time, weaker than before. "Sam!" She screamed, her voice overtaken by her sobs. And then she crumbled into him. She let her face rest against his chest, pressed tightly into his shirt, and she slowly started sinking to the ground. Jerry, arms wrapped around her, guided her down softly, sitting down to the ground with her.

They sat there for a while. Just sitting there. Andy was crying into Jerry's chest, and he had a hand pressed onto the back of her head gently. His other arm was wrapped around her back. He couldn't let her go. He didn't want to. He needed her. She needed him.

Andy's screams had quieted, and now she sat sobbing into Jerry's shoulder. He didn't know exactly what to do. He didn't know exactly what was going on. He couldn't really accept it. He couldn't really process it. His friend died. Sam, his best friend just died. Sam was dead. And, as he sat there huddled with Andy, another wave of realization hit him hard.

He lost his best friend. He was gone. He lost him. Sam was gone. He was gone. There was nothing he could do. Jerry could feel the overwhelming urge to throw up come over him again, and he could feel the tears slipping down his face.

And suddenly, he was crying as well. "It's okay, Andy" Jerry said, his voice stained and full of emotion. He held her tightly against him, and he let the tears fall. He sniffed loudly and tried to take a deep breath. It was shaky, and it hurt. It was sharp, sudden. It felt like a knife jabbing him in the chest. He could barely breathe.

Andy continued to cry into his shoulder. She had wrapped her arms around his neck, and sat there completely huddled with him, crying. She couldn't stop.

Jerry pressed his hand tightly against Andy's head as she leaned against his chest. He thought back to what Sam had said. He thought back to when they had first met each other back in college. Back to all the dances they attended together, the baseball games, the nights of fun. The times they had gone fishing out on Sam's uncle's boat, and the way they looked ridiculous when they showed to the bar dressed in the strangest costumes they could find for Jerry's twenty-first birthday. Their first day at the academy, and that old, disgusting apartment that they could barely afford but rented together anyway. The first day as rookies, and the first time they were partnered together. The time they had locked themselves out of the squad car, and had to call their staff sergeant. All the times at the Penny buying each other drinks, and the poker nights where they'd each try to convince all the others that they were the best. The time they celebrated when Jerry had been promoted to detective. The day Jerry confided in Sam about how he felt about Traci. And the time Sam had told him his feelings for Andy. The double date they had all gone on a few months back. And, the night they had talked in the parking lot after work. The promise that they had made.

Jerry squeezed Andy against him. "It'll be okay, Andy. I'm here for you." Jerry said softly, his voice shaking uncontrollably, his face covered in tears that were slowly falling down his cheek. "I promise".

_**Alright, guys what did you think? Did you like it so far? Thanks for reading, please review, and let me know what you think. I really appreciate people's thoughts on my writing! I feel like Sam and Jerry would have a promise like this between each other, and SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS, I thought that Sam should have been the one to tell Traci when Jerry died. Tell me what you guys think! I'd really like to see what you think so far! **_


	2. For Sam

_**I'm glad you guys liked the first chapter! I know, it was really sad, but I really like the story behind it about how Jerry and Andy will become closer. I hope you guys like it as well. Please continue to read and review! I really appreciate it, and thank you to those who have already reviewed! This chapter is a little long, but I hope you guys like it. Please let me know what you think!**_

It had been two days. Forty Two Hours. Eight Minutes. To be exact. And, Jerry had been awake for probably thirty eight of them. He couldn't sleep. He couldn't eat. He couldn't talk, or wouldn't. He could barely breathe. He had tried so extremely hard to restrain his tears in front of Andy, but eventually, as they had sat there together, huddled in the front yard, he had broken. He was still broken. And, he was sure he always would be.

Jerry sat at the kitchen counter, his hand wrapped around a mug of coffee. He didn't even remember pouring it. Had it been this morning? Or, was it last night some time? Had he gone to bed? He didn't know. He sat there simply staring at the counter. His eyes were so heavy, so incredibly heavy. It was painful to keep them open. But, whenever he closed them he couldn't sleep. All he saw was Sam's face. Bloody. Scared. Desperate. Jerry half wanted see it, just to remind himself. He didn't want to forget. He promised he never would. He couldn't. He couldn't move on. He couldn't just forget him. No.

Traci watched Jerry from the doorway. She stood out of his view, but knew, that on any other day, he would have sensed her there. Not today. He was different. They all were.

She watched as he looked down at the counter, and continued to simply observe him for several minutes. He didn't move. Not at all. No running of his hands through his hair. No rubbing his eyes. No rubbing his hands over his chin. No sipping of his coffee. Nothing. His shoulders were barely moving, and his slow breathing was the only indication that he was still alive. But was he? Traci worried. She worried she had lost a part of him.

After a few minutes, Traci made her way to Jerry quietly. She placed her hand on his shoulder softly, and he stirred a little. But, he didn't look.

"Sorry" Traci said quietly. "I'm sorry" She didn't know how exactly to approach him. She had startled him, and she felt bad. But, she needed to do something. He had been practically non responsive since it happened. And she didn't blame him. But, she did want to help.

Jerry felt her. Barely. But, he did. He didn't bother turning. He didn't bother speaking. He didn't really have anything to say. It didn't matter. Nothing mattered anymore. He continued to stare down at the counter.

"Can I get you something to eat?" Traci asked. Her hand was still on his shoulder, and she wanted so desperately for him to look at her. Just so she knew he was okay. Just so she knew he was still Jerry.

But, he didn't. He didn't move. And, Traci frowned sadly. She felt extreme pain seeing him like that. She hated that he felt like this. She hated that he had to go through this. She hated that he was in so much pain. Of course, she was devastated as well. Everyone was. But, Sam and Jerry were best friends. Best friends.

"Jerry, honey, you need to eat something" Traci said quietly. She placed her other hand on Jerry's other shoulder, and started to rub them gently. He didn't warm to her touch. He didn't even try. His arms were stiff.

Jerry remained quiet. He wasn't hungry. He didn't feel hungry. He didn't feel much of anything except the overwhelming sadness consuming him, filling him. He couldn't even feel appreciative of Traci's efforts. All he wanted was to be left alone. He wanted to sit there. To think. To remember.

Traci squeezed Jerry's shoulders, then stepped out from behind him. She placed a kiss on his cheek softly, ran her hand through his hair. He didn't even move his eyes. He felt empty. Stuck. Completely stuck. Frozen.

Traci walked over toward the cabinet, pulled out a bowl, and turned on the kettle. Jerry saw her do this out of the corner of his eyes, but he wasn't watching her. He didn't care. He didn't care about much of anything right now.

A few minutes later, Traci placed a bowl of oatmeal in front of him. She walked back toward him, and sat down at the table next to him. Maybe he wasn't going to talk. Maybe he wasn't going to acknowledge her. But, she'd be there.

She touched Jerry's hand softly with her own. She took it, pulled it away from the old coffee cup, and squeezed it. It was cold, stiff. She held it tightly, trying to warm him up. Trying to tell him that she was there.

They sat there for a few minutes in silence. Traci looked at him every few seconds to see if he had moved. To see if he had done anything. But, he hadn't. He didn't touch the oatmeal. He didn't even touch the spoon.

Traci rubbed her thumb over the top of Jerry's hand. She couldn't leave him. She couldn't let him sit there, lost in his thoughts, by himself. He was so sad. So devastated. He needed her. And, after a few minutes of sitting there in silence, he squeezed her hand gently. Traci smiled. He was still there.

It took a few more minutes for him to turn and look at her. And, when he did, he did so incredibly slow. Traci looked into his eyes for one of the first times in the last two days. They were bloodshot. Tired. Completely exhausted. Different. They weren't as warm as they had been, as open. They seemed distant. And, it scared her.

"It's going to be okay, Jerry. It will be" Traci said quietly. She didn't know what else to say. All that time to think, and she still had no idea. How would anyone? She did try to keep the extreme concern out of her voice. But, she doubted whether he'd pick up on it anyway.

He continued to look at her for a few seconds. Then, he slowly shook his head from side to side. "No," Jerry said, his voice was raspy and hoarse. It too was different. Everything was. "No, it won't."

Traci felt a pull at her heart again. It had been there consistently for the past two days, but there were times were it got increasingly worse. Times like this. What was she supposed to say? How was she supposed to tell him it would be okay when he was going through something like this?

"I know that it's hard right now, but, one day it'll be-"

"He's gone" Jerry said softly. His voice was monotone, but heavy. He looked away from Traci and shook his head slowly.

Traci nodded. "I know" She reached for Jerry's shoulders and started to rub them. "I know, but it doesn't mean that all the good times are gone with him"

Jerry was quiet for a few seconds. "Yea, well, it's a little hard to focus on those at the moment" Jerry said. And, there was a bit of cynicism in his voice that Traci had only heard on a few rare occasions. It startled her.

She nodded. "I know it is. And, nobody expects you to be happy right now. We're just worried about you. But, the important thing to realize is that when the shock of all of this isn't, well, as much, you'll be able to see all the good times you guys had together."

Jerry shook his head. "I don't know, I don't know if I'll ever get there" It seemed as though he wanted to say something else, but he stopped.

Traci took a deep breath. It was so hard to see Jerry like this, so filled with sadness. She just wanted to help him, to kiss him, to make it all go away. But, she couldn't.

"Oh, Jerry, you will." Traci leaned and gave him a hug. She wrapped her arms tightly around him, and she was glad when she felt him wrap his arms around her as well. "I'll help you. We'll all help each other. We'll all get through this okay, we'll get through it together."

Jerry nodded. He wanted to believe her. He did. But, something just wouldn't let him completely. He felt vulnerable. More vulnerable than he'd ever felt in his entire life. He didn't know what to do. "Yea," Jerry sighed. "Maybe"

Traci nodded. A 'maybe' was much better than no response at all. She would consider that progress. She knew it was going to take some time. And, she didn't expect him to recover fully. Nobody did. She knew there were some things that people could just never recover from fully. This was one of them. And, she just hoped that enough of him would recover that he could be the majority of who he used to be.

They were quiet for a few more minutes before Jerry motioned toward the door way. "Is she still asleep?"

Traci nodded. Andy had slept over their house last night. They didn't want her to go home alone, and they all just wanted to be together. So, Andy had come to their house. She had been practically non responsive as well, but did try to convince Jerry that he didn't need to sleep on the couch so that she could cuddle with Traci in their bed. But, he insisted, as did Traci. And, Jerry had slept on the floor. Or well, laid on the ground. Staring at the ceiling. There hadn't been much sleeping involved at all.

"Yea, she only just fell asleep about an hour ago. I didn't want to wake her" Traci said quietly.

Jerry nodded. "Yea, let her sleep." He looked toward the bedroom doorway and shook his head. He couldn't believe that this was actually happening. "Give her a break from thinking about all of it"

Traci nodded. "Yea. I tried to talk to her last night a little, but I didn't want to push, you know? I want her to talk when she's ready. Last night, I think she just needed to cry and let it all out."

"That's probably best" Jerry said. His voice, again, monotone. He looked back at the counter, the thoughts were whizzing around in his head. He closed his eyes, but quickly opened them again.

"And what's probably best for you is to eat something, and then get some sleep. I noticed you got up last night and didn't come back. I know you haven't been sleeping." Traci said softly, she rubbed his hand with her thumb.

"I went for a walk" Jerry said. Or, at least he thought he did. Unless that was a dream that he had had during one of his quick little naps. He wasn't sure.

"You need some sleep. It's going to be a long next couple of days" Traci said. Sam's wake was planned for later on that night, and his funeral was tomorrow.

"I _know_, Traci" Jerry said more bitterly than he had intended. He didn't mean to snap at her, it just came out. He didn't feel like he knew how to control his emotions anymore. Never mind control them, he barely felt confident in identifying his own emotions anymore.

"I'm sorry" Jerry said softly, looking at Traci for a few seconds. He shrugged.

"It's okay" Traci said. She understood. She didn't blame him. And, she was half glad. If he was snapping at her, he was at least dealing with his emotions. He was at least recognizing them. That was much better than watching him sit there, motionless, expressionless, speechless. This is what he needed.

They sat there in silence for a little while. And, after a little bit, Traci had told Jerry that he might feel a little better if he took a shower and got dressed. So, he went upstairs to take a shower. Climbing the stairs had proved more difficult than he had expected. His legs seemed painfully heavy, lifting them took great effort, but he made his way up the stairs excruciatingly slow.

Jerry walked into the bathroom, grabbed a towel from the linen closet, and placed it on the counter. He reached in the shower and subconsciously turned the faucet. He let the water run for a few seconds, and stripped off his shirt. He let it drop from his hands to the ground, and caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror.

It should have phased him. His sunken eyes, engulfed by deep, puffy bags of purple and black should have concerned him. His pale skin should have been a worry. His sweaty chest and upper arms should have frightened him. But it didn't. None of it did.

Instead, he starred at himself for a few seconds. This was real. This was really happening. He leaned on the counter with both of his hands and hung his head for a few seconds. He couldn't believe it. He didn't want to.

He looked back up at the mirror slowly, and then quickly turned away. The steam was fogging up the bathroom, and so, Jerry finished undressing, and slowly stepped in.

The water was hot, too hot, and normally Jerry would have jumped out of the way. But, this time, he didn't. He stood there, face in the water, letting it bounce off of him. He closed his eyes and listened to the sound of the water as it pinged off the shower walls. But, it wasn't loud enough.

Sam's raspy breathing played in his head. The way he had violently coughed. The desperation that had coated his last words. It was all there. All at once. 'You promise me you'll take care of her?' 'I just, I want it to be you, someone I care about, someone she cares about' 'I wouldn't have it any other way'

His eyes were closed, but he closed them tighter, forcefully. He shook his head. And then he could see it. Sam's face. Bloodied, scared, desperate. The blood oozing out through his hands as he tried to apply pressure to his wounds. Sam's blood caked hand grasping onto his own, and the prints it had left. Sam's eyes, his eyes that had closed so slowly.

Jerry opened his eyes quickly and smashed his fist against the shower wall. It was loud. And it hurt. The tile broke and cut his hand. A deep gash across his knuckles. But he didn't care. He hit the wall again. And again. And again. And then ran his hands through his hair, pressed himself up against the shower wall, and slowly sunk down against it to the floor.

The blood swirled as it circled around the drain, the water by his feet turning red. He watched it as it left his hand, dropped down to the floor, and was swept up by the water, and taken down the drain. He pictured Sam, the blood that had come out of his body and landed on the floor of that place. He pictured the crime scene clean up crew washing it away, washing it away like it was nothing, like it was just another day.

Jerry grabbed his hair in his hands, and sat on the shower floor with his knees pressed up against him. The water hitting him, and bouncing off in all directions. He could barely see, the water was running down over his eyes. But he didn't mind. He just sat there. Thinking.

He played it all over again in his head. Trying to figure out where it had all gone wrong. And, of course, he tried to remind himself that he had known, they all had known, that there was a possibility of something going wrong. But, he wasn't exactly sure he had ever truly believed it. Maybe that's why it hurt so badly. Sam, the invincible one, had fallen. He didn't know what to think. He didn't know what to believe anymore.

He remembered back to when it had all first happened. Sam had come to talk to him, to tell him he was going undercover. They both knew that he shouldn't have. What he was supposed to do was disappear in the middle of the night. Not tell anyone where he was going. Not tell anyone when he'd be back. But, Sam never did. He always told him. Always. Sam was a good cop, but an even better friend.

_Someone cleared their throat loudly, and Jerry could tell that they were standing right beside his desk. He also knew, before he even looked up, that it was Sam. Jerry sighed sarcastically. _

"_What are you still doing here Sammy? I thought you said staying late was for D's only" Jerry smiled, put his pen down, and looked up at his friend. _

_Sam shrugged. "It is. That's why I refuse to be one" Sam smiled and looked at the paper work Jerry was working on. "Mmmm, looks fun"_

_Jerry pursed his lips and shook his head. "Is there something I can help you with?" Jerry leaned back in his chair and crossed his arms across his chest. _

_Sam played with some items on Jerry's desk, picking up pictures that he had seen many times before and looking at them before placing them back on his desk. There was one of Sam, Jerry, Andy, and Traci hanging out at Andy's one night that he really liked. He picked it up, looked at it for a few seconds, sighed, and placed it back on the desk. _

"_I'm won't be at work tomorrow" Sam said quietly. _

_Jerry quickly leaned forward, uncrossing his arms, and his chair springing upright. "When do-" He started, looked around, and then lowered his voice, "When do you leave?"_

"_Tonight" Sam shrugged._

"_Tonight?" Jerry asked quickly. His voice full of surprise. _

"_I know, I know" Sam said. "I just found out today. Otherwise, I would have told you sooner"_

"_Have you told McNally?" Jerry asked._

_Sam looked away from him. "She'll find out tomorrow"_

_Jerry sighed. "Sam, don't you think she deserves to know?"_

_Sam looked back at him quickly but didn't say anything. He was quiet for a few seconds. "I don't want to hurt her. It'll be easier for her if I just go"_

"_Easier for her? Or for you?" Jerry asked. _

_Sam considered that. "Both, I guess"_

_Jerry shook his head. "For a cop, you really are oblivious sometimes, you know that?"_

_Sam shrugged. "That's what I have you around for, detective"_

_Jerry laughed and shook his head. Sam laughed too. But then they both got quiet. _

"_What case?" Jerry asked. _

"_Brennan" Sam said quickly. _

_Jerry stood up rapidly. "Woah, woah, Sammy, Brennan? That's serious stuff. He's dangerous, incredibly dangerous. You have to-" Jerry stopped suddenly. He was talking to Sam, after all. He knew this stuff. He had had dangerous assignments before. And, as much as Jerry wanted to advise him on what to do, he knew Sam had made up his mind. _

"_Just, be careful. Alright. Please" Jerry said, his voice lowering. _

_Sam nodded. He knew how hard it was for Jerry to hold back. "I will. Don't worry about it. There will be surveillance anyway. In case something does go wrong. But it should be fine."_

_Jerry nodded slowly. "Okay" He wanted to say more. So much more. But he didn't. He knew Sam would already understand how concerned he was. And, he couldn't just tell him not to. Someone had to do it. This was their job. Getting the bad guys. If it wasn't Sam in harm's way, it was someone else. Best friend or not, this was the job. They both had to understand that. And, it was difficult. _

_Jerry stepped forward and gave Sam a brotherly hug. Sam hugged him back. "Just be careful, alright?"_

_Sam nodded. "I will."_

_They broke apart, and smiled. Sam patted Jerry on the back. And, with a look, he started to walk away. He had reached the door when he turned around. _

"_Hey, Jer?" Sam asked._

"_Yea?" Jerry said. _

"_I know I don't have to ask this, but, ugh, you still, you still promise, right?" Sam's voice was filled with that serious tone that rarely expressed itself. He stared at Jerry._

_Jerry nodded. "Absolutely"_

_Sam nodded his head quickly. "Thanks, man"_

_Jerry smiled. "I'll see you soon"_

_Sam smiled back. "See you soon"_

Jerry suddenly snapped his eyes open quickly at the sound of pounding on the bathroom door. He looked around quickly, and at the water that was now surrounding him as he sat on the bathtub floor. The water was almost to the top of the tub, and Jerry stood up quickly, the water still bouncing off his face, and turned off the faucet.

"Jerry? Jerry! Are you okay?" Traci called from the hallway. She pounded harder against the door.

Jerry stepped out of the shower quickly. "I'm alright" He grabbed the towel, wrapped it around his waist and opened the door.

"Ohhh you're alright" Traci sighed in relief. She stepped into the bathroom and placed her hand on Jerry's shoulder.

Jerry nodded. Traci ran her other hand through his wet hair. "You were in the shower for almost two hours"

Had he been? He didn't think so. It felt as if it had only been a few minutes, if that. He looked back into the shower and saw the tub full of water. He realized she must be right.

"I'm sorry, I just, I didn't, sorry" Jerry said. He looked at Traci for a second before looking away, staring at the ground.

"It's okay, I was just wor-" Traci started, but stopped as soon as she saw Jerry's hand. "Jerry, what happened to your hand?" She reached for it quickly and grabbed it before he could pull away.

"Oh, I ugh," Jerry started, but then shrugged. Traci understood.

She looked past him and into the shower where she saw the broken tile on the shower wall. A jagged piece covered in blood. She sighed. "Jerry…"

"I know. I'm sorry" He said reflexively. He didn't mean it. He wasn't sorry. It had felt good. Extremely good.

Traci looked at his hand for a few seconds, examining it with her own. "Jerry, this is deep. You might need stiches" She tried to tell him.

Jerry immediately refuted by shaking his head. "No, I'll be fine. There's more important things today" His voice was quiet. Low. Traci could barely hear him. And, it didn't help any that he was not looking at her. But, she understood. And, he was right.

Traci nodded. "Okay, well then you should probably go get dressed. Then, I can bandage your hand. Andy and I are going to get ready soon too. Everyone from the Division is heading to the station early."

Jerry nodded slowly. His heart skipped a beat. It was almost time. Time to face it all. Time to face reality. He took a long deep breath. "How is she?" Jerry asked as he walked out of the bathroom and into his and Traci's room. Traci followed him.

Traci shook her head. "I, I honestly don't know. I mean, she's quiet. She's not talking much. I don't expect her too, but I just, I don't know what to do. She's my best friend, and I can't even, I don't even know how to help her, Jerry."

Jerry nodded slowly. "I don't think anyone knows exactly what to do with . . . something like this"

Traci nodded. She watched Jerry carefully. 'Something like this'. He couldn't bring himself to say it. His dress uniform was laid out on the bed for him. Traci must have done it while he was in the shower. But, he still had some time before he had to get dressed to leave. And, he wanted to wait as long as possible. He hated putting that thing on. There was only ever two occasions in which he had to. Conferences and funerals. He hated that uniform.

So, he walked toward his dresser slowly, opened the top draw and pulled out a t-shirt. He unfolded it quickly and was just about to put it on when he realized which shirt it was. It was a gray t-shirt with white letters on the front reading 'Division 15 Softball'. It had a hole on the left sleeve. It was faded from use. It was Sam's.

_Jerry had forget an extra t-shirt to the gym to change into after they worked out. They were planning on going to the Penny after, and he really didn't want to have to stop home and grab a shirt. He sighed. _

"_What?" Sam asked, slipping his own shirt on and pulling it down. He cocked his head._

"_I forgot a shirt" Jerry said, standing up bare chested and reaching for the one he had taken off after working out. "I'm gunna have to stop and grab one before we hit the Penny, man. Sorry"_

"_No, don't worry about." Sam said as he reached into his locker, pulling out a gray t-shirt. He tossed it to Jerry quickly, and he caught it. "I've got an extra"_

"_Thanks, man" Jerry said, pulling the shirt over his arms and then his head. "This the shirt from that game against 27? The extra innings game?"_

"_Sure is" Sam said, putting some stuff into his bag._

"_We were both pretty new, had to be what, nine, ten years ago?" Jerry said, looking down at his chest at the shirt._

"_Twelve" Sam said. "Beat those cheaters with a walk-off, courtesy of your hit, I might add Mr. Barber"_

"_Wouldn't have made a difference if you hadn't gotten on base before I did. Hit you home."_

"_Wow, that was a good game, wasn't it?" Sam smiled. _

"_Yea, it was. Remember Ollie, sliding into second?" Jerry asked, trying to restrain a laugh._

"_Sliding or falling?" Sam asked, and they both cracked up. _

"_Ahhh that was a good time. Can't wait to beat them again this year" Jerry said, packing up his own bag. He and Sam started to walk toward the door. _

"_Oh, without a doubt, man." Sam said as he slapped Jerry on the back. "You just make sure to give that shirt back, it's one of my favorites."_

"_Will do" Jerry said._

Jerry held the shirt in his hand for a few seconds and then quickly placed it back in the draw, shutting it even quicker. He stepped away, ran a hand over his mouth, and left it there for a second. His hand was shaky and he couldn't control it. He rubbed it over his chin, and then brought it up to pinch the bridge of his nose as he closed his eyes. But it was still shaking. When he opened them he looked at the bed. And saw that uniform. It was real. It was happening. And, it was time to face it.

"I'll, ugh, I'll get ready now I guess" Jerry said. He walked toward the bed and looked at Traci quickly.

"Okay, Andy and I will be ready in a little bit, then we can go" Traci said softly.

Neither one of them wanted to confront the idea of actually having to go to Sam's wake. As long as they didn't mention it by name, maybe it wouldn't be true. Maybe it wouldn't actually happen. Maybe he'd still be alive. They wouldn't all be going to his wake, but instead getting ready to go over to his and Andy's apartment to have a movie night. Maybe. They just had to let themselves cling to this little hope, this little idea. And, as much as they knew it wasn't true, and they did, they had to allow themselves to believe it, at least a little bit, for a few more seconds. For as long as possible before they had to confront it. Before they could no longer pretend.

Jerry nodded slowly, looking away from Traci and toward the bed. He saw the uniform and quickly looked away to the floor. She walked toward him, placed a hand on his arms gently and leaned close to him. She kissed him on the lips, pressing her lips against his. He pressed back softly. Barely at all.

"I love you" Traci said, cupping his cheek in her hand.

Jerry nodded as he looked down at the ground. He couldn't look at her. And, he didn't know why. "I know. I love you too"

Traci kissed him softly on the cheek, and patted his arm softly before walking away to find Andy and to finish getting ready.

Jerry stood there next to the bed for a few minutes. He couldn't walk away. He couldn't go back to that draw. He couldn't put on that uniform. So, he just stood there. He stared at the ground for a few seconds, towel wrapped around his waist.

He stood there for a while, just standing there, not moving, not doing anything. He wasn't sure how long he had stood there. Two minutes? Five? Twenty? He didn't have a clear perception of time right then. He focused on the clock, his tired eyes blurring the numbers. He pinched his eyes and looked again. It was time to get ready.

With a deep sigh, Jerry reached down onto the bed. He put on his boxers first, and then his dress pants. He hated this uniform. He grabbed his white undershirt and put it on quickly. The coat was the worst part. And the hat. But, he slipped his arms into the dress coat, and walked toward the mirror above his dresser. He watched himself button each button slowly, his fingers shaking and fumbling, the buttons slipping out of his hands. Then, he stood there. There wasn't anything else he could do. He looked at himself for a second before looking away. He didn't want to look at himself like that.

Jerry grabbed his hat on the way out of the room and made his way down the stairs slowly. The uniform restrained his movements, reminding him it was there. Jerry sighed. And, he thought back.

"_Why do we have to wear these stupid things anyway?" Sam asked as he retried buttoning his jacket that he had already missed a button on twice. He grunted in frustration and Jerry couldn't help but laugh. _

"_Something about looking formal for the National Conference" Jerry shrugged. "I don't like it either man"_

"_Yea, well" Sam started, playing with the collar of his jacket that appeared to be choking him. He pulled on it in different directions, "You wear a monkey suit to work all the time, you're at least used to stuff like this"_

"_Oh, so now you appreciate my clothing? No more cracks about girly attire and Italian leather?" Jerry smiled, the tone in his voice teasing. _

"_Appreciate? No. Envy you for being used to stuff like this? Yes. And, I never said anything about stopping to make fun of you. There's just too much material to work with there, man." Sam said, tugging on the collar some more._

_Jerry shook his head, but had a small smile on his face. "You want some help with that?" He walked over toward Sam and adjusted the collar of his jacket. "I might dress a little fancy, but at least I know how to dress myself." Jerry smirked. _

_Sam made a mock laughing gesture. "Oh, you're so funny, Jerry. I forgot how funny you could be. So funny."_

"_Hey, that's what you get for underestimating me." Jerry smiled. _

"_Underestimate? No. Only if the category was called 'Does Jerry know how to dress like a normal, casual, person', maybe" Sam said._

_Jerry shook his head. "You'll thank me someday"_

"_I'm sure I will, one of these days. I've got a list going, you know. It's called the 'Thank Jerry' list. It's right by my bed. So, if I wake up in the middle of the night and have an epiphany to thank you for something, I can right it down. I don't want to forget." Sam smiled. Jerry couldn't help but laugh._

"_You're an ass" Jerry smiled. _

"_Yea, well, " Sam said, cuffing his sleeves, "you're not the first person to think so."_

"_You ready, Beauty Queen?" Jerry asked as he watched Sam try to cuff his second sleeve._

"_After you, Captain Overdressed." Sam gestured toward the door, and he and Jerry made their way toward it. "I'm telling you right now" Sam said as he tried to button his pockets, the flaps continuing to pop up. "The next time I wear this thing will be someone's funeral. And, even then, only yours, or mine."_

"_Wow" Jerry said, holding the door open. "I feel so loved. You'd put this uniform on for me?"_

"_If you were dead, yea" Sam said with a smirk. Jerry shook his head. Typical Sam. And then, Sam stopped quickly. _

"_Scratch that" Sam said quickly. Jerry almost bumped into him. _

"_What, all of a sudden my death isn't worthy of putting this uniform on?" Jerry smirked. _

"_No, it's me. Do not, I repeat, do not, let them bury me in this thing." Sam said quickly. _

_Jerry laughed. "Don't worry about it man. I've got you covered."_

Jerry had stopped walking down the stairs. He stood, quietly a few steps away from the bottom, just staring at the wooden steps when he suddenly heard someone call his name. "Jerry?"

He looked up quickly. The voice that had called his name was tired, hoarse, and soft, and so was Andy. She looked exhausted, the same dark circles that had surrounded his face were on hers. She too had her dress uniform on, and looked just as comfortable in it as he was. He could see the way her eyes drooped with sadness, the way her cheeks had been stained with tears, even though none had fallen in the past few hours. The way a smile had not been on her face anytime recently, but was instead overtaken by a somber expression. The way she stood there so still, so stuck. The way she couldn't move.

"Andy" Jerry said quickly, his voice was just as hoarse and tired as hers. Although, his was a little louder. He walked down the last few steps and went toward her. He continued to look at her. He didn't know what to do. He didn't know what to say. But, he couldn't look away.

As Jerry approached her he realized that this was the first time he had seen Andy since the night before. He had given her her space this morning, letting her sleep as long as possible. And, by the time she did wake up, he was already in the shower. He had comforted her last night for a while. He sat there, on the cold front lawn of that house, for hours with Andy just pressed up against him. She cried into his chest for a long time. And, he let her. She had crumbled into him when she had heard the news. And, now they stood facing each other. Both knew what had happened. Both were damaged by it, more than anyone else.

He didn't say anything to her as he gave her a tight hug. And, she didn't say anything back. They both knew how the other was feeling, they understood. And, no words were going to change that. They both knew that as well. But he did hug her. He hugged her tight.

At first she was limp, her arms remained down by her side, and she let him hug her. But, after a few seconds, she brought her arms up as well and wrapped them around Jerry slowly. She sniffed and took a deep breath.

Jerry wanted to tell her that it would be okay. But, he wasn't exactly sure if he believed it himself. And, he wasn't sure if she would either. So, he knew it would sound stupid, but he said it anyway. "It'll be okay"

Andy didn't say anything, but she did press her face closer against Jerry's chest, and squeezed him tighter as well. She took in a deep breath, and Jerry could tell she was trying not to cry. He rubbed her back gently, and then they pulled apart.

"You look nice" Andy said softly. She looked at Jerry and tried to smile. He tried to smile back.

"As do you" Jerry said. The two looked at each other for a bit. They didn't say anything, they didn't know what to say. But, they didn't have to. They were fine just standing there with each other. And, for the first time since it had happened, Jerry felt as if someone was feeling similar as to how he was feeling. He felt understood, at least partly.

Traci walked in a few minutes later with a first aid kit, dressed in her uniform as well. She looked from Jerry to Andy and back to Jerry. "Jerry, let me see your hand quickly. Then we can get going."

"I'm fine" Jerry muttered quickly, looking at Traci.

"No. You're not." Traci said. And, she wasn't just referring to his hand. "Let me see it."

Jerry saw no point in arguing. He was too exhausted, and he really didn't care that much. So, he stuck out his hand, giving it to Traci.

"What happened to your –" Andy started, but then she nodded. "The shower"

Jerry looked from Andy to Traci, and then back to Andy. Sensing his confusion, Andy said, "I saw that the tile was broken. I just . . . figured. And your hand is all bloody"

Jerry nodded a few times. "Quite the cop" He tried to smile, but wasn't sure if he did or not. Traci wrapped his hand with gauze, and then taped it.

"Alright, I think you're all set" Traci said, placing the first aid kit on the counter. "Just, don't hit anything else"

"Not sure I can promise you that" Jerry said softly. He looked away from Traci quickly and thought he saw McNally almost smile for a split second.

The three of them stood there in the kitchen for a few minutes. No one wanted to say anything. But, they all knew that it was time to go. They just didn't want to say it. So, they stood there.

"You guys ready?" Traci asked a few minutes later.

Ready? Was he ready? How could he be ready? He was about to go to his best friends' wake. How is somebody ever 'ready' for something like that? No, he wasn't ready. He wasn't ready to go. He wasn't ready to face reality. He wasn't ready to lose his best friend.

"Let's go" Jerry said quietly. The three filed into the car, and Jerry drove them to the station. Traci offered the passenger seat to Andy, but she refused, instead sitting in the back. Jerry checked the rearview mirror every few seconds just to check on her. She was staring out the window.

When they reached the station, the three of them got out of the car slowly and walked toward the station. Jerry couldn't remember how many times he had walked into that station before. So many. Hundreds. Thousands. But, this time, it was different. And, he knew that from that point on, it always would be.

He opened the door for Andy and Traci and walked in behind them. The station was packed. But, everyone was quiet. Jerry immediately saw Oliver and Zoey, and he made his way toward them, Traci and Andy following him.

"Andy . . ." Oliver said softly as they approached him. He shook his head a few times slowly. He, like everyone else, was at a loss for words. So, he opened his arms up, and walked into a hug with her. He patted her head, quite fatherly, and she tried to nod.

"Thanks, Oliver" Andy said softly. She looked quickly to Zoey. They had only met a few times at some Division outings. But, she nodded. Her sad eyes said it all.

"I'm sorry" Zoey said softly. She was trying to fight back the tears in her eyes, and she quickly grabbed Oliver's arm. She sniffed.

Andy nodded slowly. She didn't exactly know what to say. Thank you, didn't seem right. Nothing seemed right. So, she just nodded.

Oliver looked to Jerry. Saw the strained emotion stretched over his face, his sunken, bloodshot eyes, the dark circles encapsulating them. The way his eyes were filled with such deep sadness, despair. They weren't as warm as they usually were, but glazed with a grief, a certain despondency that seemed to consume him. Oliver placed his hand on Jerry's upper arm.

"Jerry, you . . ." Oliver started.

"Can I talk to you for a second?" Jerry asked abruptly. It was almost as if he hadn't heard Oliver speaking. Oliver nodded quickly.

"Sure" Oliver made eyes with Zoey, she gave him a nod, and with a quick pat on the shoulder to Andy, and a nod to Traci, Oliver followed Jerry across the room.

"What's going on?" Oliver asked, as he and Jerry stood across the room. Oliver looked back toward the girls quickly, then turned back to Jerry, his arms folded across his chest.

"Tomorrow," Jerry started. His voice was hoarse and he cleared it quickly. Oliver offered a sympathetic half grin. "I, ugh, I think it'd be nice if we were the poll bearers."

Oliver nodded, his lips tightly pressed together. "I know. I'll, ugh, yea, I'll do it. Who else? You and me. How about Chris, Dov, Frank, and . . ."

"Will" Jerry jumped in. "Sarah's husband. Sam's brother-in-law. I'm sure he'll do it."

Oliver looked to Jerry quickly and nodded. "You've given this a lot of thought, haven't you?"

"It's my job" Jerry said quickly, and with a quick nod, he started to walk away. But, Oliver caught him by the arm.

"Jerry" Oliver said.

Jerry didn't say anything, but he turned around looking at his friend. Oliver was looking at him with those eyes, those sympathetic, sorrowful, almost apologetic eyes that everyone seemed to be looking at him with. Jerry looked away quickly. It was hard to look into them.

"Don't go hitting any more walls" Oliver said, reaching out and grabbing ahold of Jerry's shoulder.

Jerry was stunned. Confused. He looked down to his own hand, wrapped up, and then back to Oliver. "How'd you-"

Oliver raised his own arm, displaying his knuckles wrapped in gauze. And they shared a look. Jerry felt that pang, that sharp, echoing, rippling pang, that had his entire body feeling the aftershocks within a split second. He knew, that Oliver was feeling he same way. He gave him a quick, tight lipped, nod. Oliver gave him a similar jolt of the head. Then, Jerry turned and made his way back to where Andy and Traci were standing across the room.

Jerry gently placed his hand on Andy's shoulder as he came back and stood next to them. He gave Traci a quick nod of the head, before squeezing her shoulder tightly too. He looked down at the ground quickly, took a deep breath, and then looked back up. Andy was focused on the ground, staring at the rug underneath her. But Traci, however, was concentrated on Jerry. She didn't look away. She couldn't.

Then, a few minutes later Sergeant Best stood in front of them all. Everyone quieted down before he even said anything, not that they were really making much conversation before that. Even Dov, who never seemed to be quiet, was silent. Best took a deep breath as he surveyed the room.

He saw everyone. Everyone. Oliver and Zoey, Noelle, Chris, Dov, Gail, Traci, Luke, Boyd, and countless other officers of 15, and many from other divisions as well. He saw Andy. His girlfriend. Maybe the girl who would have been his wife. He saw Jerry. His best friend. His brother.

Best took another deep breath. "I'm glad that you all came today, I know that it is greatly appreciated. And, I'm glad that we were able to come here, together, first. As a family. Thank you."

Everyone nodded, gave grumbled responses, and focused on Best. "If it is alright with everyone, I think we should start to head toward the funeral home shortly. We can take several cruisers. Sam's family . . . his other family . . .is there. So, if everyone is ready, we can, ugh, well, we can leave."

Everyone looked around at everyone else. Nobody wanted to leave. Nobody wanted to step toward the door. Best started walking slowly. And, soon, the other officers started to follow.

Jerry felt as though his feet were glued to the carpet. He couldn't move. He felt as though he had forgotten how. He had no recollection. He looked from his feet to Traci, and she was soon tugging on his arm gently. She understood.

Jerry walked with her, his right arm looped around hers. Andy was clutching onto his right. And, the three of them walked with everyone else out to the parking lot. He wasn't ready. Not even close. But, he took a deep breath. He had to do this. He had to. For himself. For Andy. For Sam.

Jerry inhaled deeply, walking slowly toward he door. He looked around the division as he made his way out. His desk, and the numerous times Sam had sat on the edge of it, trying to convince him to finish his paper work later and head to the Penny early. The water dispenser, where, on more than one occasion, he and Sam had had water fights, as if they were school aged boys. The parade room, where Jerry had once had to prevent Sam from pummeling Luke any further than he already had during a retraining day. The table, where they had played numerous poker games, and spent the majority of their time during the quarantines they had endured together.

And then, he was out in the parking lot. The spot they had stood that night, talking. Where he had uttered the words 'I Promise'.

Jerry closed his eyes tightly for a few seconds before giving a soft nod. He opened his eyes, his lips pursed together tightly, and looked around. _I promise._ He thought to himself. For Sam.

_**Alright, please let me know what you think! I really like to get feedback on my writing, it helps me improve, and it really keeps me motivated to write! I hope you guys liked it! Please let me know what you thought of this chapter, and also any thoughts you may have concerning upcoming chapters! Thank you!**_


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